


S is for Survivors

by MariaPriest



Series: Stargate Drabbles' Alphabet Challenge [20]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 18:35:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14899808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariaPriest/pseuds/MariaPriest
Summary: Jack hopes he can help Daniel come to terms with what Hathor did to him.





	S is for Survivors

**Author's Note:**

> Tag to "Hathor" and to "Into the Fire"
> 
> Mention of rape/non-con but nothing explicit

_…Final point: On becoming a half-Jaffa: I still don't recall much about Hathor prepping me for Jaffa-hood. It's been nearly 48 hours, and I suspect I won't remember all of it for a long time, if ever. We'll just have to assume it was very similar to how Teal'c's larval pouch was created. But probably without the Embrace of Doom. Which, of course, is something I'll never forget._

Personnel Reporting: John J. O'Neill, Colonel, USAF  
Service #: 69-4-141  
End of Report  
Filename: Hathor  
Additional search terms: Goa'uld Queen; Foothold; Jaffa Creation; Larva Creation

As Jack O'Neill saved his report, his eyes couldn't pull away from the last two words he had typed.

_Larva Creation_ was beyond the simple "Ew" he had so casually expressed when Daniel Jackson had confessed to his part in the creation of Hathor's snake-babies.

The pit of his stomach clenched in a hard knot as he finally put that together with how too matter-of-fact Daniel had been at the debriefing, how distant and quiet he'd been since Hathor had disappeared.

_Cah-rist, O'Neill, you're denser than a box of bricks sometimes_.

Hurriedly, he attached the file to an email to Hammond and his current aide, cursing under his breath the entire time. He had been unsuccessfully blaming the fact that he was coming to terms with almost having a "Junior" of his own as his reason for not reaching out to Daniel way sooner.

He had been afraid of the barbarians battering at the proverbial gate.

He locked his computer and stood. And found he couldn't move, could barely breathe. The realization of what happened to Daniel had fractured the door of one of his numerous mental compartments. Out roared the taunts and laughter, the rustling of clothes, the bass of throaty groans, the rough touch of insistent hands, the smells of ... everything. Even the scars from his wounds acquired just before his capture ached. But everything paled compared to the defeat and hopelessness. To being left behind.

Sure, not a day went by that he didn't think about those particular "experiences" as a POW. But it was exceedingly rare that he relived them. His training for this possibility was good, but it could never make it vanish, only fade to background noise that on occasion swelled and demanded to be heard. The best outcome anyone who had gone through what he had was a sort of low-key stalemate.

And he had training for that, too. He closed his eyes. Quashing the sudden urge to hyperventilate, he took control of his breathing and inhaled deeply through his nose while he imagined all those experiences getting sucked back into that compartment in his mind. He exhaled strongly through pursed lips as if he were pushing all of them to the farthest, darkest corners of that room. He kept breathing this way until they had all melted into the shadows.

He assessed his heartbeat. It had slowed to nearly normal. His breathing no longer needed his conscious control. Only his armpits had sweated. It was time to slam that damned door shut.

He balled his left hand into a tight fist and smashed the meaty side of it on his desk. Opening his eyes, he reaffirmed that he was still in a safe - well, relatively, he conceded, seeing that there was a gateway to the universe not far from his office - place.

Now it was time to check on his friend.

SSSS

The door to Daniel's office was closed, which everyone on base had quickly learned meant that the archeologist was either napping and didn't want to be disturbed or was protecting some artifact from Jack's curious fingers. Which everyone thought was hilarious, maybe even ironic, itself, what with the growing legend of O'Neill's admonitions to the good doctor not to touch anything.

Jack knocked three times and called out, "Daniel? You in there? I'm hungry! Let's go for little nosh." After a long moment with no response, Jack used his pass card - one of only a few that gave the holder access to the entire command - to open the door.

Nothing looked amiss, but with Daniel and his growing collection of reference books and fancy rocks, who could really tell. Jack glanced at the computer. The wallpaper was a scanned file of a portrait of Shau'ri that Daniel had drawn a few days after she had been taken by a Goa'uld. Jack had had the actual drawing matted and framed, where it now hung in Daniel's new apartment.

Jack sighed. Knowing Daniel, he guessed that his friend had been staring at the image for hours, trying to replace Hathor's with hers in his mind's eye. Asking her forgiveness for being unfaithful, no doubt - as if what happened to him was his fault. It wasn't any more his fault than it had been Jack's years ago.

That was the first step to dealing with this "experience."

He spied Daniel's car keys - at least he hadn't left the base. But where would he be?

Within seconds, he knew. He had taken Daniel there his first night back, to show him the sky where he repeated his promise to find Shau'ri somewhere out there and bring her and Skaara home.

SSSS

Daniel Jackson sat in the middle of one of the mountain's meadows, legs bent to his chest, arms hugging them in place, face pointed to the clear sky. Jack hung back in the trees to watch him for a few moments. In the dim light of the waxing moon, he was pretty sure Daniel was rocking himself.

 _Yep, no surprise there_.

Not bothering to exercise his skill in stealthily approaching the target, Jack traipsed across the grass that was already collecting dew. When he was about 10 feet from his friend, he said with what he hoped was the right amount of tease and concern, "Hey, Danny. Whatcha doin'?"

Jack winced when Daniel jerked at the sound of his voice. "Sorry, Daniel. Didn't mean to startle you. Thought you heard me coming."

"Oh, hi, Jack. My mind was ... elsewhere."

Jack knew exactly where it was. "Well, better reel it back in before it falls off the hook permanently."

"Are you using a fishing metaphor to tell me I'm losing my mind?"

Jack chuckled. "Maybe. You tell me." He paused, trying to decide if Daniel had made a joke or was being sullen; his tone had been that flat. "Mind if I join you?"

"Yes, I do mind, Jack. I'd like to be alone right now."

_Sorry, Daniel, ain't gonna happen_. "Thought you'd never ask." Jack sat down a few inches from his friend. He stretched his legs out, crossed his ankles. He placed his arms behind him and leaned on them letting his head loll back to stare at the sky in their tiny part of the universe. In his peripheral vision, he imagined more than saw a pissed scowl on Daniel's face. "Gorgeous night, eh?"

"It was until you barged in. You're not welcome, Jack. Is that clear enough that you can get _that_ through your thick head?"

The gritted teeth and the reddening face told Jack he had taken a step in the right direction. _Anger. Good. Even better it's directed at me now_. "I'm not going anywhere, Daniel. You need to talk and as your friend, I'm here to listen."

Jack sighed to himself when Daniel put his forehead on his knees to hide his face. _What the hell do I say? Or do I keep my trap shut?_

He decided on the latter and let silence serve them both, because he was in no mood to share, either. So he just sat there, half-reclining, watching the sky with one eye and Daniel with the other.

Some indeterminate amount of time later, Daniel cleared his throat and coughed weakly. In a halting, quiet voice, he said, "I didn't even try to stop her."

Jack, tempted to say something, bit his tongue so Daniel could continue to open up in his own time.

"I didn't even get undressed. I just unzipped and ..."

Jack closed his eyes. He hadn't undressed either because there had been no need. The knee-length rag of a tunic was all he wore once he was released from a pitiful excuse of an infirmary in that stinking prison. But _they_ had unzipped. He fought to keep the compartment door closed.

Another couple minutes went by before Daniel spoke again. "Worst part of it, I was unfaithful to Shau'ri. I wanted ... uh ... it. To _do_ ... _it_."

Jack's heart knotted at the mix of guilt, shame, and memory of lust so apparent in Daniel's voice. "Daniel, You ..." Now he squeezed his eyes tight, embarrassed and furious with himself that he couldn't get any more words past his suddenly uncooperative vocal cords.

Daniel sighed loudly. "What were you going to say? That I'm contemptible? Well, you'd be right. No. That's wrong." After another sigh, he continued. "I _am_ beneath contempt," he whispered. There was no question what the expression on Daniel Jackson's face meant - sorrow, defeat, disgrace.

Jack sat up, putting his hand on Daniel's shoulder. When his friend tried to evade the touch, Jack gripped it gently but firmly. He cleared his throat and prayed that he could actually speak. "Daniel, I wasn't going to say that at all. I didn't even _think_ it."

"How can you _not_? I mean, well, you were the _only_ one to question that ... Goa'uld. You were strong enough to put up _some_ resistance to her conniving 'charms' when no other human male did."

"Daniel, I've been trained to resist the effect of certain types of drugs. And don't forget it's my nature to be slow to trust."

"You trusted Teal'c immediately."

Daniel had him there. He had even said Teal'c could stay at his house. "What can I say? I just had this gut feeling about the big guy and I was right. That happens sometimes, you know."

"Did you trust _me_ when we first met?"

Jack's first impulse was to proverbially kick Daniel's butt while he was down for bringing up a time when he was suicidal for a reason that would forever be too close and raw. He side-stepped that urge and went to his second. "I was in a completely different place in my head then, Daniel. You know that. And yes, I eventually _did_ come to trust you on that first mission. With my life and the rest of the team. You know that, too." He hoped Daniel couldn't detect the slight quaver in his voice.

To Jack's relief, Daniel went quiet, which gave him time to back away from those memories of Charlie and his death wish.

"How can Shau'ri ever trust me again? How can I trust _myself_?"

Jack's heart twisted again in his chest at the absolutely guilty misery that colored Daniel's question. He understood that guilt and despair, but for a different reason. Yes, he hadn't resisted as he'd been trained when they came the first time and every time after that; the beatings would've been far worse if he had resisted. Yet, he felt he had been untrue to himself because he wanted to fight back. So he had wanted to die, but not because of what they'd done, but because he hadn't fought. Only his will to survive, to live, to get back to Sara and Charlie, kept him going. That realization during his imprisonment had softened the betrayal of himself.

"She will, Danny. She'll understand. It wasn't your fault." When Daniel opened his mouth to protest, Jack cut him off with an "Ack!" Daniel turned sheepish. "You were taken advantage of because of something she gave you. You _never_ would've done _any_ thing with her without that chemical ... _inducement_." Jack took a deep breath to fortify himself for saying the next few horrifying words.

"You were raped, Daniel," he said quietly and without judgment. "After drugging you, that Go'uld bitch essentially forced you to have ... you know ... sex. It's the same as when some guy gets a woman drunk here on Earth. The drug wiped away your judgment so something happens that you didn't want to happen."

Daniel jumped to his feet. He turned and looked down at Jack. "You weren't there, Jack!" he shouted in anger. "I didn't even put up any resistance! I _wanted_ it! How could that _possibly_ be considered rape?"

Jack didn't know whether to scream back at Daniel or blurt out his own story. Then he remembered what his CO had told him when he had returned to duty after Iraq; it seemed right to tell Daniel the same thing. "Not resisting isn't consenting," he stated calmly. "If consent isn't given freely and willingly, without chemical intervention, then it's rape, even if there's no resistance." Then, in the tiniest of whispers, he added, "I know."

Still in a rage, Daniel yelled even louder, "What the hell do you know, huh, Jack? Tough, black ops soldiers like you don't get raped! You'd never let it happen to you and you'd _kill_ whoever tried!"

"Daniel -"

"Shut up, Jack! You _don't_ know what I'm going through! You can't _possibly_ know or even _understand_! Empathy isn't one of your strong points, now is it?"

Letting Daniel rant, Jack knew, was good for him; blowing off steam can be cathartic. But this was hurting him in a way he hadn't anticipated. It ignited a rage in him. Exercising immense control to keep from seriously injuring his friend deep in his own personal hell, he jumped to his feet but kept his distance - more than an arm's length to keep both Daniel and temptation at bay - and thrust his hands deep into the pockets of his BDUs.

"God _damn_ you, Daniel! I _know_!"

Daniel took in a sharp breath and held it. Even in the dim light, Jack could read the shock that changed to comprehension of the full meaning of what he had communicated in two words.

"I know," Jack repeated, though this time it was quiet and tinged with the regret of self-revelation - something that Jack despised doing on matters he considered personal.

"I, I, I -"

"Drop it, Daniel. Enough about me. This is about you."

Daniel cleared his throat, which Jack interpreted as a chance for Daniel to buy time so he could put on a convincing but false performance. "O-okay. You're right, Jack. I didn't consent, and I did nothing wrong. I didn't betray anyone, including myself."

Jack snorted like a bull readying to charge. He pointed a finger at Daniel's face. "Cut the bullshit, Daniel! Don't you _dare_ patronize me." He took a deep breath to tame the anger. "Are those are just words or do you mean 'em?"

Too quickly, Daniel replied, "I _do_ mean them, Jack."

Jack let his shoulders relax as his urge to smack Daniel began to erode. "You might believe that now on an intellectual level, Daniel, but it'll take time to believe it, uh, emotionally." Jack inhaled deeply, noticing for the first time the fresh dewiness of the mountain air. Not wanting to see the intense plea for hope in Daniel's eyes and not willing to risk revealing his torment at the memories that kept trying to reassert themselves, he looked up the sky again and breathed slowly, purposefully. He could feel Daniel's eyes on him still.

After a long pause that Jack could only describe as a pregnant one at full term, Daniel said quietly, "Does ... _it_ ever stop being the only thing you think about?"

"Yeah, it does."

"When?"

Jack almost choked on the little-boy need for reassurance in his friend's quivering voice. "In time, Daniel. It's different for different people, I guess."

"When did it for you?"

Jack balled his hands into tight fists. "Not going there, Daniel," he said through clenched teeth. Immediately he regretted his behavior; Daniel didn't deserve his anger, only his support.

But at this moment, it was so damned _hard_.

"Uh, sorry, Jack. I didn't mean -"

"It's okay, Danny. I'm just a little ... touchy when it comes to talking about me."

Daniel nodded. "Yeah, I know."

_Give him something, O'Neill. Give him what you didn't get for weeks_. "Time, Daniel. It takes time. It fades into the background and then, something happens to make you remember, and you realize you hadn't thought about it at all in days, maybe even months. Or years." He paused. "You realize it doesn't define who you are anymore. It's just something that ... happened." _I hope it doesn't take you as long as it's taking me to get to that place, Danny_.

Slowly, he tore his eyes away from the sky to look at Daniel. His eyes glistened in the meager light, and his mouth trembled. "Daniel? You-"

Suddenly, Daniel dropped to his knees and started sobbing. Jack closed his eyes to ward off his own tears before squatting next to his friend. He wrapped his arms around his hurting friend and rested his head against Daniel's. He said nothing, partly because he didn't know what to say, partly because he felt it was the right thing to do.

Some minutes later, Daniel quieted down until the only sound was his sniffing back mucus. After a little more time, Daniel whispered, "Thanks, Jack."

"Any time, Daniel." He patted Daniel's back and stood. "I think we should head back into the base before hypothermia sets in. My clothes are pretty wet."

The young archeologist looked up at his friend. "Uh, can we give it a few more minutes, Jack?"

Looking at the red, swollen eyes and the puffy, tear-streaked cheeks, and the dried snot on his upper lip, Jack said, "Sure thing, Daniel." He helped him stand, then watched as Daniel wiped his face several times on his shirt sleeves.

"One thing, Daniel."

"Yeah, Jack?" His voice was nearing normal.

Jack's lips became a thin line of intimidation. "What I told you about me? We will not speak of it again. _Ever_ ," he stated firmly in a low voice.

Daniel presented Jack with an innocent, questioning expression. "Talk about what, Jack? You never actually told me anything."

A few seconds later, Jack broke into a smile and chuckled. He ruffled Daniel's damp hair as he said, "Let's look for Abydos, shall we?"

SSSS

Epilogue - _Into the Fire_ (S3) tag

An antsy and tired O'Neill endured both a head CT scan and an MRI to confirm he was snake-free and too many minutes of Doc Warner staring at the healed entry wound on this neck while he speculated out loud why it was healed in the first place and even why it was still there in the second place. The second the physician discharged him with the order to eat and get some rest, Jack jumped from the exam table and quickly brushed past the four guards, two of them armed with zats. Instead of heading for the cafeteria, he headed deeper into the infirmary in search of Daniel Jackson.

Peeking around the edge of a closed curtain, Jack found Daniel staring dully into space, arms across his chest, and a hand tangled in his IV line.

Jack's brain heated with rage at what the bitch had done, and was still doing, to his friend. His heart broke in empathy as he knew the struggle Daniel was going through yet again, the gargantuan effort to keep it together, the feeling of being abused as a means to an end once and the fear it almost repeated itself. The worst part was the helplessness.

After taking a few calming breaths, he opened the curtain barrier just enough to permit his entry, not respecting Daniel's desire for privacy. Which, Jack knew, was the last thing he needed right now. After closing the curtain behind him, he walked toward his friend and stopped a few feet from the bed. "Hey, Daniel. We made it through another close call, eh?"

"Go 'way," the distant soul in the bed muttered.

"No way."

With record-breaking slowness, Daniel turned to face Jack. "The leg is fine, thanks for almost asking. Now I want to be left alone," he said without emotion.

Jack came to stand next to the bed. "I don't think _you_ are fine, Daniel."

Thick tears abruptly formed in tortured blue eyes, then one trailed down the side of his face. "No, I guess not."

"Time, Danny. Give it time. You won once, right? Think of this as a sort of setback. You got better after the initial trauma, and you'll get better again. Don't let Hath-whore keep you down. You are way better than _it_."

Daniel fell into what would be a long silence, staring at a spot on the ceiling. Jack, hands in his pockets, remained there by his side, once again giving his friend the time he needed to speak while at the same time giving him no choice but to speak.

Finally, Daniel slowly turned his head to face Jack. "I'm so sorry, Jack."

Jack's brow knitted. "Sorry for what?"

Daniel looked away, an expression of shame clouding his face. "All I could think about when that Goa'uld was on your chest and then digging into your neck was that I was glad I wasn't the one getting raped this time. I didn't even _try_ to stop it. Sam at least squirmed. I just looked away."

Jack stared at him for several heartbeats as he digested the fact that yes, Daniel was correct; the invading Goa'uld had essentially raped him, entering his body uninvited and _definitely_ unwanted. It wasn't rape in the conventional sense, but it was a very sick variation on a spirit-crushing act.

He came close to losing the contents of his gut. That old compartment and the brand new one he had just created threatened to burst open.

But Daniel's need for him helped to keep those doors shut for the time being. After a few quick breaths, Jack settled down.

"Danny, there is nothing to be sorry about. Except maybe for the fact I didn't try to kill Hathor sooner."

"How could you, Jack? You never had even the smallest chance for success."

"And you never had the chance to stop her, either. Not the first time for you or the last for me." He paused while Daniel stared at him expectantly, as if waiting for some words of closure, maybe wisdom. When he finally had something he thought might fit either bill, he cleared his throat and rolled up on the balls of his feet once. " _We_ survived, Daniel. They didn't."

Daniel smiled - weak and without teeth, but Jack knew it was a good start.

the end  
copyright 2017

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to CoriKay, whose beta made this a much better story.


End file.
